What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
my sisters under your porch take her home
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He did a backflip because drugs
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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