He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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