i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
