I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
