dude i'm inner monologue high
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
