you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
So apparently I’m into choking now
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