i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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