My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
