I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
