captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
