How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
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Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
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Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.