happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
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the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
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Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me