Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
COCAINE IS GR8
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.