new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
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When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
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she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book