Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
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He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
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I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it