I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Randomize
