Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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