Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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