They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
