Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Randomize
