There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
