My girlfriend figured out who you are.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
