When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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