I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
