NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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