she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize