What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
