i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
