I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
