i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
zippers are such a cool invention
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
