Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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