new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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