Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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