one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
