how hairy? two words: wookie tits
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Randomize
