Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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