I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
