Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
