I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
