just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
