Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
