the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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