This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
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