On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
