Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Randomize
