I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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