I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
