I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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