My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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