apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Maybe he injected his testicle?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
How does one acquire holy water?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
