1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
