she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
