Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
