im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
