$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
