A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
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