hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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